Caring for Children

A guide for the young mother of today

 

 

What do we mean by ‘the young mother of today’?  Today’s mothers are very different from yesterday’s mothers, for it is a very different world now.  Each seems to measure the other by their own yardstick.  This comes down to the very basics of survival including that of food, lodging, warmth, thirst, etc.  WE are losing the ability to discern another’s needs and comfort.  We are losing it because sadly, we no longer use it.  So this is an instinct that is also in danger of becoming extinct.  It should be put on the list of endangered species, because we are losing the ability to ‘see’ and ‘feel’.  Can we not feel another’s need?  We do well with this when transfixed while watching dramas on television which can easily bring tears to our eyes.  But when it is in our own home, the most important of stages, is it not of supreme importance that we engage ourselves in our own play at least to that extent?  We are, each and every one of us, given to each other.  Not to possess, but to care for.  We have only to look back at our own personal history to see the opportunities that we’ve had in the past, where we could have helped more; cared more; done more.  Each and every moment we are making our past again and the same drama is being played out with different characters.  Young or old, baby or grandparent, that individual deserves our love, respect and concern.  If we but forget ourselves and our own so-called ‘problems’ for awhile and direct our attention to another, we will find ample opportunities to use the divine qualities of love and affection.

It is clear and one can very plainly see that not many people nowadays know how to care for a child.  Infant care and the knowledge of how to care for an infant is not only lacking, but is not given due consideration for the comfort of the child.

Our infant mortality rate is not only of concern; it is a very real wonder that it is not much higher.

These are my observations:

First and foremost, in a vast majority of cases, the child was not planned, and therefore came into this life more as a consequence rather than as an aspiration of the parent. 

A child’s comfort

I think moms today do not consider much the comfort of the child.  I have seen moms so lazy and unconcerned that they will feed cold baby food, right out of a jar, to a 6 month old child, without even warming it.  I am not talking about fruit baby food, but savory baby food such as peas, chicken, carrots, etc.  And this too on a very cold evening.

Is the child warm enough?

Many people have such an aggravated Pitta dosha, and as such, get overheated easily and often.  So they will incorrectly assume that the child is also warm enough.  But this is most often not the case.  Children being naturally in the Kapha dosha, do not yet have adequate warm body temperature and therefore their internal temperature tends to be much lower than ours.  Babies need to be kept very comfortably warm.  All of us, who are cold, will immediately look for warmth and will not be comfortable until we get it.  The head should be covered and feet must also be kept warm.  Baby hoodies would be a good idea in the house during cold weather when baby is sleeping, as their head and ears would be protected.  Most people keep their home temperature at 68 degrees or lower, and that is too cool for a child without adequate clothing.

Bedding too, should be warm, such as flannel. Enough pajamas for the child so that when he gets uncovered, he will not feel the chill as he will not know how to cover up and the chill will surely wake him up.  Keep the room warm, perhaps with an oil space heater...

Is the child clean and fresh?

We all know how fresh and nice we feel after a warm bath or shower.  Everyone knows how simply giving a child a warm bath immediately pacifies that child and he becomes happy.  Bathe the child morning and evening, before the evening chill sets in.  He will feel refreshed for the evening and be much less cranky.  Especially in cold climates, avoid taking the baby out in the evenings and particularly after bathing the child.

Is the child hungry?

Many do not think of food for the child until the child is crying and they are trying to make it stop.  I have seen moms and others think that the child has had enough and will stop feeding it even though the child clearly wants more milk or food.  The child has not yet learned greed; it only knows hunger.  It does not even know taste preference; but yet we give the child according to our taste preference.  This very act, which has gone to feed and aggravate our own dosha, starts the child in a further aggravated state than which he was born.  This taste preference is what is known as greed.  The body knows what it needs.  But we think we know better.  We can retrain ourselves to see exactly what it is that we need at any time of day.  And that very thing will become medicine to you.

Neglect through Ignorance

A young girl came to her child’s grandmother’s house and I happened to be there.  I could tell this girl had not bathed that morning.  She did not have a fresh look or smell; her demeanor reflected this as well.  She was going to cross the street to visit her own mother and asked me to babysit her child while she was gone.  I asked her if she had bathed the child that morning, and she said ‘no’.  So I asked her to go and bathe the child first.  The child was screaming for awhile and so I went upstairs to check what was happening.  The mother commented that the baby does not like to bathe and always cries.   I helped her to bathe the child as I could see that she was not at all confident in handling the child during bath time.  If I can sense this, the child can sense this even better.  I did not care that it was crying.  I helped her to finish bathing and shampooing the child and then handed it to her to finish dressing.  She came downstairs after that and as she was going to visit her mom, I suggested that she take the child with her as it was now clean and fresh. 

She took the child with her and returned about 45 minutes later.  The child was sleepy and restless and she was trying to put it to sleep by sitting in a hard backed chair.  I knew that the child had not had anything to drink for a few hours, and suggested that she give it some juice to drink.  She got very annoyed at me for saying that he was perhaps thirsty and might sleep more easily if he was allowed to drink something.

But this same girl, when she had walked into the door of the house a few hours earlier, had firstly gone to the fridge to make herself a cold drink.  But yet she could not see that after a few hours, her child too might be thirsty.  But because he was not crying yet, she assumed that he did not need to drink.  By this time it was about 4pm.  The only food the child had had that day was one bottle of milk with cereal in the morning, and a jar of fruit baby food before its nap at around 11am.  It had not been offered anything else to drink since early morning and it was now around 4pm.

This is a fine example of not thinking of the comfort of the child.  The mother was thirsty, and she drank.  But the child was not offered any drink for so many hours.  I felt very thirsty just looking at the child.  But because I was suggesting, she took it badly like so many other young mothers I have seen.  They think they are being told what to do.  And that is more important to her; to address that, than to think that ‘hey, maybe she is right’.  So her annoyance at someone advising what to do was greater than her thoughts of comfort for her child. 

So who suffers?   Both the child and the mother.  The child because it’s basic needs are lacking, and the mother, because now she has a cranky baby on her hands; and she will take her frustration out on the child.  You can tell by observation.  They will handle the child very roughly.

Always remember.  The child knows.  It knows everything it has gone through.  It is in its databank already.  ‘Just because you do not remember does not mean that you do not know.’

Daily Routine

Babies and young children should retire to bed by 8:30 or 9pm at the latest.  This ensures a stable routine for the child.  The child should be warmly dressed and should not be hungry.  Mothers should ensure that their babies and young children are bathed and fresh, with nappies changed before sleeping.

Of course if the child is allowed to keep playing until he gets sleepy, he may be up until the wee hours as his activity level will not allow his mind to slow down long enough to feel sleepy.  This is one reason why small babies and children fall asleep so quickly when riding in a car.  Their movements are restricted and slowed, and so also goes the mind.  Once the mind is calmed, and slowed, sleep can and does naturally slip in.

A vile temper, even in a child, is a very clear indication of a serious aggravation.  This can easily be observed, and should be taken most seriously.  There goes the mind; it is either in one direction, or the other.

This is one reason why in Ayurveda it is very important that the mother be stabilized first.  As the primary caregiver and nurturer of the family, if the mother is herself aggravated, she will be standing on quicksand and will quickly sink bringing everyone else in the family with her, as she is the main pillar of support.  This nurturing quality is considered the feminine quality of an individual.   This trait is clearly evident in nature and it comes most naturally to mothers as they are born with this instinctive quality.  However, when the mother is aggravated through a vitiated dosha, she loses this quality in herself to a very great degree and becomes something else.  The young child often becomes the target of the mother’s vile mood.  This is a very sad thing to see.

Sensing the Nature

We have the five senses; that of sight, smell, hearing, tasting and touch.  But there is this one thing that most have lost knowledge of and that is the sixth sense; that of intuition; that of sensing the nature.  The animal kingdom makes use of this sense given naturally to them by Mother Nature as their survival instinct, and this can be easily observed.  But we, mankind, have lost this quality to a very great degree to where it is almost nonexistent. So we have gone from being sensitive, sensing the nature, to being non-sensitive.  This is not meant here in the common understanding of this term as being unemotional or uncaring.  Non-sensitive here should be understood to mean being unaware of the nature of the moment.

Babies and small children still have this in their nature to quite a great degree.  This is a vital thing to keep in mind when bringing up a child  because the child will sense the mother’s resentment; the mother’s apathy; that the mother’s interest is elsewhere rather than right there with that child.  This is one reason small children may be seen as giving trouble to a parent.  The child’s reaction is natural in such circumstances.  The parent may feel he has a problem child; but the problem is more often with the parent.  The child has a problem parent! 

Nowadays, all over the world we have this thing called smart phones.  We are constantly connected to what others are saying, what others are thinking, and what others are doing.  So if that mother is caught up in these networks of gossip such as Facebook, then her interest is more often than not with these things rather than right there with her child.  And the child will feel this absence of the mother.  If the mother’s mind is elsewhere, then the mother herself might as well be elsewhere as well as she is not there with her child.  She is more connected with Facebook than with her child.  And this is happening all over the world with many things.  But it is especially sad when considering the effect it is going to have on this generation of young parents and their children.  The parent may be there in body, but their attention, their energy, all is directed in that direction only – the smart phone or the TV set, and so the connection that the mother could have had with that child is not made.  That connection, that heart to heart contact is not there.  This is not news to anyone reading this; it is there and happening for all to see.  All we have to do is look around.  Go to any mall, ride on any bus or train, just watch and learn.

So the child will sense that the mother’s attention is elsewhere.  And he may give trouble because he wants the mother.  Just as the mother wants her smart phone, the child wants the mother.  He wants her attention; he wants her eyes on him; he wants her care.  The child wants not because he has chosen, but because the child needs.

You can observe a child’s nature from the time it is born.  Each and every child is vastly different from another.  We need to pay close attention to this because this is an indicator to the unique needs of a child.  Ask any parent who has more than one child.   The parent will say this child is like that but that child is 100% different!  This is where Ayurveda is so very beautiful as it explains why each and every one of us are different.  Each and every one of us has his own perfect formula; we only need to know what it is.

You can observe the child in the way he treats animals.  You can observe the child even in the cartoons he prefers, or how he treats his toys.  Or how he plays and what type of games he likes to play.  You can observe his speed.  You can observe how he treats other children.  Pay close attention because these times will reveal a lot about your child if you are paying attention.

Real life is the challenge.  And opportunities are there every moment if we are only paying attention.  These are the miracles we miss.  That is why the great sages of India say to be in the moment; the present moment as that is all you have.  If you are in the moment, totally focused on that moment only, you will not miss what is coming your way; to you.

Children have so much energy that it can be hard to keep up.  When a child speaks it is very important to listen.  You may hear some surprising things.  He will have a lot to teach you!  Who is in front of you after all???

Milk – The Essence of Life

Nowadays, many mothers for one reason or another do not breastfeed their babies.  Perhaps they may have problems producing enough milk, or they may have concerns about how breastfeeding will affect their figure, or they may just be put off by the whole idea.  But Mother Nature always knows best.  That is why she gives the perfect food for the child through the mother.  No food can ever compete with mother’s own milk for her baby.  There will be a compromise.

That factor aside, for whatever reason a mother does not breastfeed her child, the question still remains: what is the next best milk for the child? 

Goat milk is the closest milk to Mother’s milk.  This is the best milk you can give to your child, apart from your own milk.  Soy milk and almond milk do not make it milk, just because it is white.  Milk comes from animals and it has the essence of life in it.  Extracts from beans and nuts do not have this quality.  Essence of Life.  Understand this quality.

Goat milk has got a particular enzyme which makes it closest to mother's milk.  it is the best food for the liver.  The quality of our blood is also determined by the liver and goat milk is a natural detoxifyer to the liver.  All the functions of your body depend on the quality of the blood.

Again, for mother's own milk, there is no substitute.

They just want you

 

Children do not like to be or play alone.  Just observe; they want your company and your attention in whatever they do.  And they know whether or not they have your attention, or you are just a body sitting there staring at a computer, TV or Facebook. They know the difference. They want to share everything they do with you.  Children tend to become difficult when they are left to play by themselves. They want your undivided attention and they deserve it.  Children have a lot to teach us and they have a lot to say.  But we never listen to them.  We really should make an effort to pay more attention to them; what they are doing and what they are saying.  They are our teachers, too!  When you have this shared focus with your child, and his with you, you will be surprised.  The result is respect for your child, for you will start to see what he is; and what is that, that is in front of you.